I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
