I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
