if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
