When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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