he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
