Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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