my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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