Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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