I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
