Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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