Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
