When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
being pregnant is like rehab
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
