One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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