in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
