I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
