I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize