John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize