I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
