remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
