i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
