Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
