There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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