ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
