I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My penis needs a shock collar
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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