they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
