I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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