do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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