I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You've changed since you got that strap on
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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