guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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