And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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