Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
