Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
