just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
