I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
