I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
