YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
