I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
