Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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