I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
