Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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