I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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