Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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