Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
