you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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