i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
