true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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