I feel like abortions should bother me more
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
