Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
