Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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