i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
