im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
