He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
