i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
