my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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