is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Oh god it's open bar.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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