i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
