just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
