last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize