I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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